Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
