sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
