I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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