I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Drunk is not a location!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
