I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
