Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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