I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
