She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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