Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
