I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
