Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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