I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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