Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
