im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
