the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
