Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
