How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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