two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
