I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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