a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
