i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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