Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
