Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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