what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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