What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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