There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
