I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
