I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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