Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
