I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize