btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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