My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
please come you make the beer taste better
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
