yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
