Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
