I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
