Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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