I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
