hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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