omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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