Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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