I'm gonna have a badass scar
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my shit smells like andre
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
