i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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