Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
