had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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