Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can you bring me the toilet please
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
