So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
