I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
