I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize