I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
