he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
