im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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