And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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